Girlie Stuff

Wow! I haven't written in, what, two days...what in the you-know-what is wrong with me? I can't answer that, really, except to plead laziness. Oh, oh, oh, and I do have a nine-month-old (in case you hadn't noticed), and we're about to move into a new house, so I guess that counts for something, right?

Let me just preface this here post by saying that these days I watch A LOT of television. Well, okay, so I should give myself more credit because let's face it, when do I really watch television? I mean, in the uninterrupted, throw-a-kernel-of-popcorn-at-my-head-and-I-won't-flinch way that I used to watch in my younger, hadn't-yet-birthed-a-baby-and-therefore-had-ZERO-real-stuff-to-worry-about days. But now, it's much better...really..because I have a real necessity to filter out the crap and glean the important stuff. Okay, so it's all crap, really, but I now can just admit that there's certain crap I simply cannot do without.

In all seriousness, though, there are a few things lately that have caused me to raise my(untweezed) brows:

1. NEWSFLASH: October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, in case you live under a boulder somewhere in, say, a remote portion of the Transylvanian hill country. Okay, so I just made that up. I have no idea whether Transylvania has boulders or hills. Note to self: Learn some geography. But it would be something (albeit slightly catastrophic) to see boulders plummet down hills, and in Transylvania. Anyway, I digress -- something I have been known to do. As I was saying, October is the month to think pink, and thanks to Ford's Warriors in Pink campaign, there are many fashionable ways to do this. Yes, it's yucky American commercialism, but the money does go to a good cause. I have to say, I never thought this was something I should be concerned about at my age and with no family history of the disease, but after seeing many personal stories on the various morning television programs I watch (yes, too much TV can be a good thing sometimes), I am convinced it is an issue to which ALL women need devote a certain amount of vigilance. Whoah, that sounded like serious-Jen-speak to me. Better check my temperature.

2. Dove campaign: Some time back (maybe last year...I forget exactly) Dove launched a beauty campaign in an effort to do what most beauty ads don't: make average women feel good about themselves by actually featuring average women as the cover girls. What a concept. Great idea, right. Well, I thought so. I still do in a lot of ways. But this made me think even deeper about all of it. I think this chick's on to something. I wish I would have written this! Bravo, Cheeky Lotus.

3. Glamour short films: So last week, also while watching television, I learned about these, one of which is co-directed by Jennifer Aniston, who I generally like, despite her marriage to Brad "Schmucky" Pitt and her enviable forearms. There's going to be a screening here soon, I think, so who knows, maybe I'll slap on a little lipstick, pass the lint-roller over the cardigan and the guy and I will make a night of it.

Now, it may come as a shock to you that, even with all this TV nonsense, I do, on occasion, still read (as in, run my eyes across a page with words on it). Mostly online these days...damn all-consuming blawg worrrlddddd. But I have, in recent weeks, hoisted a few fair tomes from the cardboard catacombs and even purchased a few new ones, one of which is an expose of sorts on contemporary American motherhood...cause, I mean, I know nothing about that. Anyhow, it's fairly interesting and contains lots of little factoids about the history of motherhood in this country as well as others. Among the most arresting tidbits so far is the fact that there are women in a certain part of the world who breastfeed 70 to 90 times a day. SHUT UP. I can't recall where this deed actually takes place, probably because my eyes were ripped from that inconsequential detail, devoting themselves rather to the words, fierce and flashing: SEVENTY TO NINETY TIMES A DAY. I read it twice to make sure. God bless. And I'm guessing wherever they do this, there's no Wonder Bra either.

Also of interest to me was the following passage, included in a section titled "Total-Reality Motherhood," which described the home environment experts in the 1960s urged a mother to create:

When father returns home in the evening, he needs a quiet transition period between the demands of the world and the demands of his family. Father should not be met at the door with the bombardment of complaints and requests. A ready drink, a hot shower, the daily mail, the weekly magazine, and the "no questions" period help create an oasis of tranquility that adds to greatly to the quality of family life. From early childhood, children learn that when daddy comes home, he needs a short period of calm and comfort.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAA, HAAA, HAA, HA, H...(doubled over in freakish roaring, appendicitis-inducing laughter). And mother needs a new string of pearls, a martini, and a loaded gun. No wonder Patsy Cline sang about being freakin' crazy.

So, there you have it. The secret's out. THIS IS WHAT I DO ALL DAY. Excavate idiotic quotations from the depths of male-chauvinist-expert-world to write about in my blawwwwwggggggg. And people say stay-at-home-moms live the bland life.

:::

Kiddo is in bed and husband is watching the NY Giants v. Dallas football game. But he's not one of those nose-pickin', butt-scratchin' fanatics. Well, only for the Manning brothers. I mean, we did name our first-born Eli. And, if we're being completely honest here, after all this overblown feminist-speak, I still think that in my next life I want to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, Wonder Bra and all. Pathetic, I know. But, come on, does anybody ever really say, "In my next life, I want to be a 500-pound missionary"? I don't think so.